STRESS!

Well, losing my appetite didn't last long.  I haven't been on the scales for a couple of months.  I'm miserable, bitter, hurt, angry and extremely stressed.  I'm eating everything in sight even when I don't even want to, I've scratched myself, punched myself, broken a plate, smashed a phone, thrown and broken my glasses, broken my hair straighteners.  I'm having heart palpitations, I'm spotty, short tempered, tearful and I've bitten the inside of my mouth til it's bleeding.

I can't cope anymore.  I tried to leave on Monday night and packed a bag, but he started hitting his head on the floor and saying life isn't worth living without me.  I need out.

The start of our relationship was lovely, but I got carried away with the excitement, gave up on myself and started living for him.  I was just at the point where life was mine again and I threw it away to make someone else happy.  That's entirely my fault but it meant it damaged us.  Work stress also took its toll and our relationship hasn't survived.

Months and months of living like that took its toll and I feel it's gone too far to recover from it.  I don't know how and I'm too angry to let it go.  I hate myself for giving up on my life, and I hate him for letting me.  I'm a sad, bitter old trout and it doesn't suit me.

I've cheated, and I'm not proud of the fact but it's the truth.  I felt unloved, unappreciated, used and generally unhappy.  Since then we've remained unhappy and I know that I'm the one to blame for that, but at the end of the day if you can't get over something I feel sometimes in life you just have to move on.  Sometimes things hurt too much to get over.

The blues continue

We've been back from holiday over a month now and things are still rubbish.  We've come close to breaking up a couple of times.  I'm the problem now as I've fallen from someone at work...my mum has got involved and so I'm trying to make it work.  He is convinced we're made for each other but I'm just really struggling.  I've been so unhappy for so long.

Weight-wise its really getting to me.  I weigh less than I have done and am now 7st5lbs down in total from my highest recorded weight but its not really because I've been good.  I've just been living day to day, eating when I'm hungry (mainly the wrong things) and have had a few binges.  It's still the only way I know how to cope!

This month is my Birthday and Christmas but I just want it to be January.  This is the first year ever that I'm dreading all the family stuff.  I feel flat and unmotivated.  I've been avoiding talking to mum because I know she's angry with me about the OH and I not getting on.  Roll on January.

Blues

So I'm not quite Kim Kardashian, but its a start.  I bared my tummy to the world and although I am wearing a tankini in this photo I did brave a bikini on the beach.  There were a few tears the night after I got my tummy out.  I feel so cheated and disappointed by how much loose skin I have and how obvious all my stretch-marks are now I've slimmed.  One of the reasons I started losing weight when I did was because I thought I stood the best chance of my skin recovering, I've done it slowly and with exercise.  There's been no quick fix regimes, no crash dieting so the body I have looks ok in clothes but awful out of them.  Though you can't see my tummy in this picture, you can see the skin on my arms hanging down.

One day I would probably consider surgery, but then it would only be for vanity and I just don't know if I could do that.  Plus I would need to wait until after I've had children and then I'm sure the risk of surgery would be an even bigger issue.

This week has been a weird one, I've had serious post holiday blues made worse by meeting up with the ex.  Myself and the bf met up with the ex and his fiance which was lovely, but it got me in full blown reflective mode, which is never good for me and really made me think of all the things I miss.  Not necessarily about him per se, but about my old life.  Also, problems in my current relationship have mirrored the reasons why myself and the ex broke up.  Now I'm in a different place and so we've been able to identify the problem and try to sort it.  I was an emotional retard a couple of years ago and it seems maybe if I'd been able to express how I was feeling back then he wouldn't have needed to end it or we could have at least worked at it.

But still, I'm a true believer in everything happening for a reason.  The bf and I are a great match, the ex is getting married next year and making mistakes is how we learn isn't it?  After some thinking this week I've realised how lonely I am, without work I have little to no social contact, so developing a social life is my next mission.

Beach Body Update

Well, I don't look like this yet...shame!

Holiday

I was sure I had done a post in August but it doesn't seem to be showing.  I am all moved in with Anthony now, into a 2 double bedroomed house with a driveway and garden!  I feel like a grown up.  The location is good, I can hear sheep and cows in the field on my way to the bus stop and on a morning lounging in bed you can normally hear dog walkers shouting after their pets or kids playing football.  Its not where I'd really want to be very long-term but nevermind.  I want to be somewhere quirkier with cool bars and coffee shops where the charity shops are full of good stuff.  One day!  Its cheap enough to save a decent amount so hopefully in a few years we'll be able to buy!

In weight loss news I've been messing about a bit.  I've lost 4lbs this week, but this takes me to the weight I was a few weeks ago.  Anyone who thinks losing weight is easy has no understanding of the psychological issue that weight really is.  I panicked when I got to 12st 9lbs as it meant I'd lost just over 7st and was well on the way to my goal weight (2st4lbs to go).  I think in some ways I'm scared of being slim and feel I don't deserve it.  I'm also really scared of more loose skin.  So the aim for this week is to tonetonetone!  I have 28 days exactly until my holiday to Turkey - we booked on Saturday.  I went to Turkey with Mike, my ex 3 years ago and am determined to look nothing like how I did then.  In fact, we're now getting a bit worried that I don't look like my passport picture!

Above is a picture of what I won't look like in my next lot of holiday pics.  I do miss those boobs though.  You can't have it all!

Not all plain sailing

Christ on a bike it's been a pretty up and down couple of months since my last post.  I have been stressed to the absolute max with work.  They've merged the services from 5 into 3 and made the services 'ageless' which basically means they've thrown 3 teams together without any kind of plan and expected us all to just get on with it.  It's been an absolute nightmare and I've shed a lot of tears.  I swear its taken years off my life already and its not getting any better.


Whilst work is awful home has been crap too.  I've moved out of my flat meaning putting all my lovely things in storage and whilst waiting to move have been living in Anthony's one bed flat.  I absolutely hate it, its a square box with no personality and nowhere to go.  Sat in the bedroom you can hear exactly what's on TV, there's washing everywhere and nothing has a place.  It's been a complete strain and the whole situation  has brought me right down.  I miss feeling like I belong somewhere.


In weight-loss news I am now overweight, I have faffed around a bit but finally reached 'overweight' a few weeks ago.  An emotional moment!  I am now just a couple of stone away from being 'normal' but I am terrified.  Because of being so obese my skin had to stretch and now I've slimmed right down I am getting a bit of loose skin.  Running made the weight fall off me and I was going to continue with the running but have decided I need to concentrate on toning.  I feel a bit cheated to be honest and have been quite emotional these last couple of weeks its obviously a combination of things but I can't help feeling pissed off.  I decided to lose weight at 24 so that I could really enjoy my 20s, I wanted to do it while I was still young so that my body would have the best chance to adjust and cope with the change.  I've done it slowly and sensibly with exercise along the way.  Now I'm in a bit of a pickle....do I continue with weight loss?  Or do I just try to maintain and tone for now?  Eugh, when I was big I used to be self-conscious, now I'm just as bad if not worse, just about different things.  When I was big I did care what I looked like but at the same time I felt it didn't matter so much as I was obviously massive and there was no hiding it.  Now I feel like I'm neither big nor slim, I don't know what clothes to wear or even what to do with my hair.  I have a body I don't quite like but don't really recognise, it all feels a bit alien.  I need Gok!

Nearly Overweight!

Only people who have been properly obese/morbidly obese can understand the significance of this.  I have lost 2st since 2nd Jan 2012 - when I re-signed up for weight watchers and overall since March 2010 I have now lost 6st 5lbs.  I still can't believe it and it really doesn't seem real.  I've just done an online BMI calculator and found I need to lose 4lbs more to be overweight rather than obese.  Although I believe BMI is a daft calculation with little medical significance its still the measurement that is widely accepted by medics and by weightwatchers.  My BMI has gone from 45 to 30.5.  Happy Days.


I've been struggling recently with binge eating, as I always do but have got it much more under control.  Everything seems so out of control at the moment in my life its really effecting me.  I hate living at the boyfriend's flat but staying at mine isn't practical.  We want to move but we can't afford it, and also when we can we're not going to be moving to an area which I want to live in.  Booo!  Also, I have no idea what is happening with my job and where I'm going to be working.  People are being told they have to interview for their own jobs all around me yet I haven't heard anything yet.  Anxious times and its really getting to me.


At least weight and exercise is something I can control :)


Oh oh, and last month I had a significant moment.  I went on a night out and didn't feel like 'the fat one' I was obviously bigger than my 2 friends, but not massive in comparison as I'm used to.

Daft toilet posing aside, I look normal sized!