STRESS!

Well, losing my appetite didn't last long.  I haven't been on the scales for a couple of months.  I'm miserable, bitter, hurt, angry and extremely stressed.  I'm eating everything in sight even when I don't even want to, I've scratched myself, punched myself, broken a plate, smashed a phone, thrown and broken my glasses, broken my hair straighteners.  I'm having heart palpitations, I'm spotty, short tempered, tearful and I've bitten the inside of my mouth til it's bleeding.

I can't cope anymore.  I tried to leave on Monday night and packed a bag, but he started hitting his head on the floor and saying life isn't worth living without me.  I need out.

The start of our relationship was lovely, but I got carried away with the excitement, gave up on myself and started living for him.  I was just at the point where life was mine again and I threw it away to make someone else happy.  That's entirely my fault but it meant it damaged us.  Work stress also took its toll and our relationship hasn't survived.

Months and months of living like that took its toll and I feel it's gone too far to recover from it.  I don't know how and I'm too angry to let it go.  I hate myself for giving up on my life, and I hate him for letting me.  I'm a sad, bitter old trout and it doesn't suit me.

I've cheated, and I'm not proud of the fact but it's the truth.  I felt unloved, unappreciated, used and generally unhappy.  Since then we've remained unhappy and I know that I'm the one to blame for that, but at the end of the day if you can't get over something I feel sometimes in life you just have to move on.  Sometimes things hurt too much to get over.

The blues continue

We've been back from holiday over a month now and things are still rubbish.  We've come close to breaking up a couple of times.  I'm the problem now as I've fallen from someone at work...my mum has got involved and so I'm trying to make it work.  He is convinced we're made for each other but I'm just really struggling.  I've been so unhappy for so long.

Weight-wise its really getting to me.  I weigh less than I have done and am now 7st5lbs down in total from my highest recorded weight but its not really because I've been good.  I've just been living day to day, eating when I'm hungry (mainly the wrong things) and have had a few binges.  It's still the only way I know how to cope!

This month is my Birthday and Christmas but I just want it to be January.  This is the first year ever that I'm dreading all the family stuff.  I feel flat and unmotivated.  I've been avoiding talking to mum because I know she's angry with me about the OH and I not getting on.  Roll on January.

Blues

So I'm not quite Kim Kardashian, but its a start.  I bared my tummy to the world and although I am wearing a tankini in this photo I did brave a bikini on the beach.  There were a few tears the night after I got my tummy out.  I feel so cheated and disappointed by how much loose skin I have and how obvious all my stretch-marks are now I've slimmed.  One of the reasons I started losing weight when I did was because I thought I stood the best chance of my skin recovering, I've done it slowly and with exercise.  There's been no quick fix regimes, no crash dieting so the body I have looks ok in clothes but awful out of them.  Though you can't see my tummy in this picture, you can see the skin on my arms hanging down.

One day I would probably consider surgery, but then it would only be for vanity and I just don't know if I could do that.  Plus I would need to wait until after I've had children and then I'm sure the risk of surgery would be an even bigger issue.

This week has been a weird one, I've had serious post holiday blues made worse by meeting up with the ex.  Myself and the bf met up with the ex and his fiance which was lovely, but it got me in full blown reflective mode, which is never good for me and really made me think of all the things I miss.  Not necessarily about him per se, but about my old life.  Also, problems in my current relationship have mirrored the reasons why myself and the ex broke up.  Now I'm in a different place and so we've been able to identify the problem and try to sort it.  I was an emotional retard a couple of years ago and it seems maybe if I'd been able to express how I was feeling back then he wouldn't have needed to end it or we could have at least worked at it.

But still, I'm a true believer in everything happening for a reason.  The bf and I are a great match, the ex is getting married next year and making mistakes is how we learn isn't it?  After some thinking this week I've realised how lonely I am, without work I have little to no social contact, so developing a social life is my next mission.

Beach Body Update

Well, I don't look like this yet...shame!

Holiday

I was sure I had done a post in August but it doesn't seem to be showing.  I am all moved in with Anthony now, into a 2 double bedroomed house with a driveway and garden!  I feel like a grown up.  The location is good, I can hear sheep and cows in the field on my way to the bus stop and on a morning lounging in bed you can normally hear dog walkers shouting after their pets or kids playing football.  Its not where I'd really want to be very long-term but nevermind.  I want to be somewhere quirkier with cool bars and coffee shops where the charity shops are full of good stuff.  One day!  Its cheap enough to save a decent amount so hopefully in a few years we'll be able to buy!

In weight loss news I've been messing about a bit.  I've lost 4lbs this week, but this takes me to the weight I was a few weeks ago.  Anyone who thinks losing weight is easy has no understanding of the psychological issue that weight really is.  I panicked when I got to 12st 9lbs as it meant I'd lost just over 7st and was well on the way to my goal weight (2st4lbs to go).  I think in some ways I'm scared of being slim and feel I don't deserve it.  I'm also really scared of more loose skin.  So the aim for this week is to tonetonetone!  I have 28 days exactly until my holiday to Turkey - we booked on Saturday.  I went to Turkey with Mike, my ex 3 years ago and am determined to look nothing like how I did then.  In fact, we're now getting a bit worried that I don't look like my passport picture!

Above is a picture of what I won't look like in my next lot of holiday pics.  I do miss those boobs though.  You can't have it all!

Not all plain sailing

Christ on a bike it's been a pretty up and down couple of months since my last post.  I have been stressed to the absolute max with work.  They've merged the services from 5 into 3 and made the services 'ageless' which basically means they've thrown 3 teams together without any kind of plan and expected us all to just get on with it.  It's been an absolute nightmare and I've shed a lot of tears.  I swear its taken years off my life already and its not getting any better.


Whilst work is awful home has been crap too.  I've moved out of my flat meaning putting all my lovely things in storage and whilst waiting to move have been living in Anthony's one bed flat.  I absolutely hate it, its a square box with no personality and nowhere to go.  Sat in the bedroom you can hear exactly what's on TV, there's washing everywhere and nothing has a place.  It's been a complete strain and the whole situation  has brought me right down.  I miss feeling like I belong somewhere.


In weight-loss news I am now overweight, I have faffed around a bit but finally reached 'overweight' a few weeks ago.  An emotional moment!  I am now just a couple of stone away from being 'normal' but I am terrified.  Because of being so obese my skin had to stretch and now I've slimmed right down I am getting a bit of loose skin.  Running made the weight fall off me and I was going to continue with the running but have decided I need to concentrate on toning.  I feel a bit cheated to be honest and have been quite emotional these last couple of weeks its obviously a combination of things but I can't help feeling pissed off.  I decided to lose weight at 24 so that I could really enjoy my 20s, I wanted to do it while I was still young so that my body would have the best chance to adjust and cope with the change.  I've done it slowly and sensibly with exercise along the way.  Now I'm in a bit of a pickle....do I continue with weight loss?  Or do I just try to maintain and tone for now?  Eugh, when I was big I used to be self-conscious, now I'm just as bad if not worse, just about different things.  When I was big I did care what I looked like but at the same time I felt it didn't matter so much as I was obviously massive and there was no hiding it.  Now I feel like I'm neither big nor slim, I don't know what clothes to wear or even what to do with my hair.  I have a body I don't quite like but don't really recognise, it all feels a bit alien.  I need Gok!

Nearly Overweight!

Only people who have been properly obese/morbidly obese can understand the significance of this.  I have lost 2st since 2nd Jan 2012 - when I re-signed up for weight watchers and overall since March 2010 I have now lost 6st 5lbs.  I still can't believe it and it really doesn't seem real.  I've just done an online BMI calculator and found I need to lose 4lbs more to be overweight rather than obese.  Although I believe BMI is a daft calculation with little medical significance its still the measurement that is widely accepted by medics and by weightwatchers.  My BMI has gone from 45 to 30.5.  Happy Days.


I've been struggling recently with binge eating, as I always do but have got it much more under control.  Everything seems so out of control at the moment in my life its really effecting me.  I hate living at the boyfriend's flat but staying at mine isn't practical.  We want to move but we can't afford it, and also when we can we're not going to be moving to an area which I want to live in.  Booo!  Also, I have no idea what is happening with my job and where I'm going to be working.  People are being told they have to interview for their own jobs all around me yet I haven't heard anything yet.  Anxious times and its really getting to me.


At least weight and exercise is something I can control :)


Oh oh, and last month I had a significant moment.  I went on a night out and didn't feel like 'the fat one' I was obviously bigger than my 2 friends, but not massive in comparison as I'm used to.

Daft toilet posing aside, I look normal sized!

Then and Now

The pic on the left is me at uni, wearing a top I loved!  I cropped my friend out of the picture but I literally look 3 times the size of her!  The pic on the right is me last November wearing a size 16 dress.  I'm lighter now than I was then.  Yay!

Anniversary

Oooh Oooh!   I just realised, today is (to the day!) my 2nd year anniversary of joining weightwatchers.  I am now 14st 2.5lbs.  2 Years ago I weighed nearly 20st.  All together I have lost 5st 7.5lbs and although I've still a few stone to go I'm so proud of myself.  I do feel embarrassed for boasting but I can't help it.  Someone get me a chufty-badge!  

Realisations

Weigh-in on Monday showed a 4lb loss.  Finally!  So the exercise was worth it.  What's even better is that I FEEL slimmer and healthier.  I'm starting to feel almost normal wheras I used to feel like I stuck out like a sore thumb.  I remember having to be super careful walking through crowds in pubs/clubs in case I knocked some poor skinny flying.  I also remember the name calling, the 'fat bitch' as I walked past groups of people in clubs when I was at uni, the 'get out the way you fat cow' when a white van man went through a red light causing him to nearly squash me.


I'm so glad that I'm sorting myself out whilst I'm still young however I can't help having some regrets.  Particularly about my time at college and uni.  I got called a lot of names while I was at uni.  In the street randomly and more often, on nights out.  I always knew that (rationally thinking) the name callers were the ones with the biggest problem but it didn't stop me disappearing from my friends regularly and going to have cries in the toilets, just thinking back to that time makes me so sad.  I was so big, so unconfident and so uncomfortable in myself.


I've been thinking a lot about why I am big and why I see food the way I do.  From a very young age I stole food.  I remember eating a block of cooking chocolate under mum and dad's bed when I was really little.  I remember stealing mints from a jar in my Grandma's kitchen and eating a big chocolate bar in secret sat on the floor in Grandma's house.  I got away with it for a long time without anyone noticing however I do remember getting a smack when mum found out I'd taken a feast ice-lolly from the freezer and I remember stealing a chocolate biscuit and mum noticing.  She was angry for a whole day and I remember feeling so anxious about it all day at school.  Thinking back I think mum always reacted so strongly to me doing this as she saw her habits coming out in me.  She used to play lots of games on the PC and I'd walk through the room and catch her eating, we'd never acknowledge it and I don't know if she thought I just hadn't noticed or whether she just didn't want to talk about it.  It used to really upset me that she'd do this because she was always quite overweight and I used to be really scared for her health.


I'm a binge eater and an emotional eater, it really feels like an addiction sometimes but I believe all addictions can be overcome if the will is there.  For me the will is there now.  I want to be happy and healthy.  I want to  have children (not yet!) and don't want to put lots of weight on when pregnant.  I want to be a slim healthy mum and a wife to be proud of (yes I know I'm not married/engaged!) ha.  I want to be a good role model to my children and not continue to pass on the very unhelpful coping skill me and my mum seem to rely on.


I'll get there, it'll be worth it.  I don't want any more regrets!

So I'm in my 8th week of being on plan and so far I've lost 12.5lbs, a bit disappointed as would have hoped to have lost more by now but hey ho.  I've stayed the same for two weeks in a row and am hoping this is the week it will start to shift again.


Two weeks ago I got back to exercising.  I weigh about the same now that I did late last year when I was really hammering the exercise but oh my lord, its amazing how much my stamina and fitness levels had slipped.  I'm hoping the stay the same results have been because of the exercise and toning as a result.  I feel slimmer and people are commenting that I look 'trim' so I'm sure it will appear on the scales soon enough :)


Overall now I've lost 5st 3.5lbs since March 1st 2010.  They say slow and steady wins the race and I'm confident thats true.  With about 4st still to lost I feel in a way that I'm on the home stretch however I do tend to have real wobbles where I get really scared and I think that might be because I don't know what I'm aiming for.  My official WW goal weight is 10st 5lbs but I can't see myself being that slim.  I probably weighed that much when I was 10.


I've had some blips where I've maintained for a while, or gained but am determined to continue.  I feel like I might self-sabotage because I'm scared.  Most people have been slim and so know what they're aiming for.  They have an 'ideal me' picture they can look at for motivation.  Being slim is really scary to me because I've never been there.


BMI doesn't mean a lot to me and so in reality I'm aiming for 12st, I feel at that weight I'd still be squishy, curvy and womanly but would just be a lot more healthy.  So I suppose that means I actually have only 2st 6.5lbs to lost.  Bring it on!

Bad Blogger

I've been such a bad blogger, no post for well over a year! What a year its been! I did meet my goal of being a 14-16 however I've spent a few weeks on the see-food diet and now as a result my size 16 jeans don't fit anymore.

Predictably I'm thinking new year, new start and have signed up for a monthly pass having not been to a meeting for about 18 months. I need a kick up the proverbial, and if that means shelling out 20squid a month so be it!

Its been a strange old year, my little brother got married and I was a bridesmaid. Amazing! Also my best friend got married which was beautiful. I seem to have reached that age where people start really becoming grown-ups. I turned 26 a couple of weeks ago and still haven't quite come to terms with it.

I spent most of 2011 in a pretty awful relationship. Looking back I wonder why but I'm quite philosophical and hold no grudges. He was pretty damaged and that led to a not very happy time for us both. I tried my best, ended up getting sucked into this weird, emotionally draining situation where I got lashed out at quite a lot. It was an experience not to be repeated, and one I'll never forget. Its weird how when you're in a bad situation you do what you can to struggle by, making excuses for things. Its only when it ended and I really talked to people about the ins and outs that I thought 'what the hell were you doing!?'

2012 is looking set to be a good one, however there are some question-marks over my job which is a worry. I'm in a new relationship now though and its all good. No messiness, no aggressiveness and now at the grand old age of 26 I feel I'm in a grown-up thing, its not even scary!

So I have a few new-years resolutions...

Learn to drive

Get stuck back into weightwatchers and ideally reach goal by Christmas

Read more (I got a Kindle for my Birthday)

Pay off my credit card

Get back into my crafty things

Blog blog blog

Naughty Weightwatcher!

I have been a truly terrible weightwatcher recently and have only lost 9lbs since July. Weighed myself at Boots on Saturday and am 15st 9lbs I'm waiting until next wednesday then joining a meeting in my new home - Leeds! I've been so terrible with my binging recently I've found myself eating things I dont even particularly like just because its there and I feel like eating.

I've been so chaotic with my food I'm actually looking forward to the structure and organisation weightwatchers forces me into and I'm hoping I can be a sexy size 14/16 by Christmas! At the moment I'm a size 17 - 16 is too small, 18 is baggy...nightmare.

Its nice and comforting to see some old friendly faces still about.

Hope others are faring better than me!

I will update soon!

Catherine xx

And I'm feeling good!

So according to my scales I'm now 56lbs down. I feel bloody fantastic, like a new woman. Went to a wedding at the weekend and took a photo of myself in the mirror. I keep looking at it not quite believing that its me!

But it is! New man, I feel like a new woman. whats made me most proud is that I've lost 10lb in the few weeks that I've been away from WW meetings, I'm going to go back to prevent things from slipping but for me it just proves that my eating habits really have changed and I can do it with or without!. Woop!

Hope everyone else is doing well :)

Cat xx

Stoooories!

WELL! Where the heckers to start!

I moved into my lovely little new flat and am now feeling pretty at home and settled. I've been there two weeks, theres so much I want to buy for it, I just want to nest! I also joined a free dating website as the chances of me meeting anyone the normal way are pretty slim and I thought it'd be a laugh if nothing else. Its true all the attention from guys has been a real boost, especially as I put a full length photo up and made it clear I'm a size 18 (officially no size 20 item fits anymore! woop!). Since joining up my inbox has just been on fire...now I've had a few weirdos and a few messages that have just said "Hi" or "Hi babe, you're cute, wanna chat?" now what the flip is that about...as if thats the start of a beautiful relationship!

So this guy sent me a message and he looked really cute, sounded really intelligent and interesting in his profile and had sent me a very much personalised and well thought-through message. He instantly caught my eye. We clicked straight away and soon swopped numbers. I dread to think how many texts we've sent back and forth but I've gone over my limit for the first time ever on my phone contract haha. Last night was our first date, we met at 6 in a pub local to both of us and after drinks, a bus ride into town, food and LOTS of kissing it was 2am and we had to face the fact that we needed to get home. Every little bit of me wanted to invite him back to mine but my head said no. I'm not long out of a relationship and this wasn't meant to happen, eek! I'm seeing him again on Wednesday for a cinema date...watch this space! I think I'm a smitten kitten already though....oh dear!

In WW news, I cant get to meetings until at least this week due to funds or lack of so I've no idea whats going on. The scales at work are innacurate in that you have to add on about 7lb but they suggest a loss so I'm happy with that. The first week in the flat was time of the month and I comfort ate a bit (a lot) due to feeling shit scared of being alone and the usual time of the month chocolate cravings but I'm back on track now. Onwards and downwards. Also now I'm dating I've a new excuse to get super sexy! I already feel pretty damn hot after last night though!

Hello New Chapter!

So people who've been reading will know I've recently got out of a long term relationship. The Big Move is tomorrow and Wednesday and I'm so excited! I've got myself a little studio flat in a popular area of Leeds and I'm full of mixed emotions about it really. I'm scared of getting lonely, but then I know I have friends at work. Since the weight loss and break-up my self confidence has just soared, its very strange. I feel like me again! I dont think so negatively about myself. I think when I was bigger I thought I had to be really interesting all the time and that people couldn't possibly want to talk to me but I feel much more relaxed in myself now. All very weird!

People at work are talking about me and the new male OT, he's yum and fun to flirt with but thats all it is at the moment. Still its nice being able to have a good old flirt, I'd forgotten what that was like! Saturday night was my first night out as a single girl and it was so much fun! Me and him were joking about faking a relationship to get people at work talking at work, it was a very alcohol fueled conversation haha.

I've spent the last couple of days packing things away and am picking up the keys tomorrow for the new flat. I can't wait to see it again, I just hope I'm not disappointed! Hopefully this is the start of an actual social life too as I've already got people pestering me to have a flat warming and one of the girls at work wants to go to the gym together. The times they are a changing! I also lost 2lb this week despite my alcohol binge on Sat night. Its all good! 4lb off 50lb!

All change!

So I'm single now, and I must say so far I'm liking it. I've signed for a little flat in Leeds. Its just a studio flat, the living and bedroom are together but it'll do for me! I'm actually quite looking forward to only having to cook for myself. If I only want cheap pasta and sauce I wont have anyone else moaning that its boring or anything. I have to say though, I'm now getting pretty scared that I've become too dependent on living with someone but time shall tell! I'm moving out the week after next and I've got such mixed feeling about it. Me and Mike are getting on loads better now we're not together as its like a weight has been lifted and I dont feel the pressure anymore to be happy.

I'm not interested in getting with anyone at the moment, though I have to say a little attention and a cheeky snog would be nice lol. I think the worst thing for me right now would be to get straight into another relationship. I think its going to be good for me to be single for a while.

Things WW wise aren't good, but we shall see tomorrow what the damage is. I put on 1lb last week after my little binge, but then it was time of the month. This week I haven't been particularly good or bad and I've done the 5K race for life today so we shall see. Hoping to lost the 1lb I put on last week at least. I need to get back in the zone! Going to properly point this week , even if I go over!

Hope everyone else is doing well!
xx

Off the wagon

I think this serves me right for being annoyingly preachy about how weightwatchers has changed my habits and that I wouldn't be able to pig out anymore the way I used to. I lost 3lb at weigh-in on Monday and the ex suggested getting a dominos which I felt I deserved. Only trouble was he had a voucher which meant he had to spend a certain amount. So of course that then involved ordering starters/sides. I didn't point or restrict myself, then had leftover pizza with salad for lunch the next day. I think somehow in my silly little brain I thought if I had salad with it that would make it OK, but no, I still ate 3 slices as well as the salad with dressing...feel a bit sick thinking about it now!

I then had a binge on Tuesday night while I was home alone. I was looking for flats in Leeds as I've decided I'm moving there since I now have to live alone. Thinking about that and the stress of not having enough money to move made me just want to eat. The only saving grace is that I binged on low point things, like WW biscuits and pink & whites. I don't even like pink & whites that much! But then thats classic me, shovelling anything in.

Yesterday was a little better. I didn't go over points (I'm now on a 25 point allowance) but not much of what I ate was any good for me. Only had 2 of my 5 a day. Today is my start again day. I'm not cutting back on points because I think I'd be setting myself up to fail that way, I'm just going to plod along til Monday and hope for a STS, I think that would be an achievement.

The ex and I are still living in the same house, which is fine at the moment. My mum is the main issue, she's really really upset that we've broken up and can't understand it. I think she thinks that we've had a fight and fallen out but its nothing like that. If that was the case we might be able to patch it up but once someone's feelings change I don't think thats something that can be fixed. She sees us getting on and thinks 'well, why cant they stay together' Truth is though I haven't been happy since September/October last year, which incidentally is when I started my job as a qualified OT. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I guess there's not a lot of point speculating though. Mum now phones and says 'so how's Mike, how are you getting on?' and when I say 'fine yeah' she says things like 'oh you're sounding much brighter now' The reason I feel brighter is because it is over and we've both admitted it. In truth it feels like a massiv weight has been lifted. I no longer have to pretend to be happy with him and desperately try to make it work.

Anyway I've babbled, I should go and do something useful with my day off!

Cat xx

Cheer me up

Wish I could've got the angles the same but ho hum...just took this pic to make myself feel better on a really rubbish week, I'm liking the change in shape. Apart from the shrinking tits but I guess its a small price to pay! Things in break-up land are utterly rubbish but I'm trying to keep my chin up. Just managed to stop myself from having a big binge tonight which I'm glad of. I'm trying to bear in mind that if I'm going to be single I may as well be gorgeous! lol And also if I feel crap anyway why make myself feel worse by binging then feeling guilty and disgusting. I just hope I can keep this up :)

Slimming single

Oh dear.

I am now officially single. The boyfriend and I broke up on friday night after having been to a BBQ at his parents house. Noone knows yet, I dont know how to tell my family and I know he's not told his either. The tenancy on our house runs out in 2 months so we're going to have to live together til then, the rent and bills are too high for either of us to manage on our own. I have no clue what I'm going to do. I haven't been single for 5 years since I was 19 and although it doesn't feel real yet it still feels weird. Really weird.

Things had been rubbish for ages. I had stopped loving him ages ago, I really wanted it to come back but had no idea why it had gone and therefore what to do about it. How can feelings just change like turning a light-switch off? I'm still very confused. He initiated it. He said he's started to resent me as me not being happy with him is obvious. He's been drinking more recently and is obviously stressed out. I feel so bad that I wasn't brave enough to do anything about it sooner, and so have made him more sad than needed. I should have had the guts.

I dont know what happens now, I've never had a complicated break-up. Splitting things is going to be an absolute nightmare!- I own the mattress, he owns the bed, I own the fridge-freezer, he owns the TV, Wii, PS3, CD player etc. I'm also supposed to be going to America in August with him and the brass band he plays in, his family are also going. He's going to ask whether my place can be cancelled, but if not he's going to have to decide whether he can cope with me being there but not being a couple. At the moment it all seems a bit big for my little head to cope with and I keep getting tearful thinking about it.

Anyway, this blog is meant to be about weight-watching, I'm predicting a little gain tomorrow. Haven't been tracking and have gone a little mad since the break-up. Pub garden yesterday with him and his friend, then a pizzahut for tea. Eugh!