Blues

So I'm not quite Kim Kardashian, but its a start.  I bared my tummy to the world and although I am wearing a tankini in this photo I did brave a bikini on the beach.  There were a few tears the night after I got my tummy out.  I feel so cheated and disappointed by how much loose skin I have and how obvious all my stretch-marks are now I've slimmed.  One of the reasons I started losing weight when I did was because I thought I stood the best chance of my skin recovering, I've done it slowly and with exercise.  There's been no quick fix regimes, no crash dieting so the body I have looks ok in clothes but awful out of them.  Though you can't see my tummy in this picture, you can see the skin on my arms hanging down.

One day I would probably consider surgery, but then it would only be for vanity and I just don't know if I could do that.  Plus I would need to wait until after I've had children and then I'm sure the risk of surgery would be an even bigger issue.

This week has been a weird one, I've had serious post holiday blues made worse by meeting up with the ex.  Myself and the bf met up with the ex and his fiance which was lovely, but it got me in full blown reflective mode, which is never good for me and really made me think of all the things I miss.  Not necessarily about him per se, but about my old life.  Also, problems in my current relationship have mirrored the reasons why myself and the ex broke up.  Now I'm in a different place and so we've been able to identify the problem and try to sort it.  I was an emotional retard a couple of years ago and it seems maybe if I'd been able to express how I was feeling back then he wouldn't have needed to end it or we could have at least worked at it.

But still, I'm a true believer in everything happening for a reason.  The bf and I are a great match, the ex is getting married next year and making mistakes is how we learn isn't it?  After some thinking this week I've realised how lonely I am, without work I have little to no social contact, so developing a social life is my next mission.