Thursday, 21 February 2013


Well, losing my appetite didn't last long.  I haven't been on the scales for a couple of months.  I'm miserable, bitter, hurt, angry and extremely stressed.  I'm eating everything in sight even when I don't even want to, I've scratched myself, punched myself, broken a plate, smashed a phone, thrown and broken my glasses, broken my hair straighteners.  I'm having heart palpitations, I'm spotty, short tempered, tearful and I've bitten the inside of my mouth til it's bleeding.

I can't cope anymore.  I tried to leave on Monday night and packed a bag, but he started hitting his head on the floor and saying life isn't worth living without me.  I need out.

The start of our relationship was lovely, but I got carried away with the excitement, gave up on myself and started living for him.  I was just at the point where life was mine again and I threw it away to make someone else happy.  That's entirely my fault but it meant it damaged us.  Work stress also took its toll and our relationship hasn't survived.

Months and months of living like that took its toll and I feel it's gone too far to recover from it.  I don't know how and I'm too angry to let it go.  I hate myself for giving up on my life, and I hate him for letting me.  I'm a sad, bitter old trout and it doesn't suit me.

I've cheated, and I'm not proud of the fact but it's the truth.  I felt unloved, unappreciated, used and generally unhappy.  Since then we've remained unhappy and I know that I'm the one to blame for that, but at the end of the day if you can't get over something I feel sometimes in life you just have to move on.  Sometimes things hurt too much to get over.