We've been back from holiday over a month now and things are still rubbish. We've come close to breaking up a couple of times. I'm the problem now as I've fallen from someone at work...my mum has got involved and so I'm trying to make it work. He is convinced we're made for each other but I'm just really struggling. I've been so unhappy for so long.
Weight-wise its really getting to me. I weigh less than I have done and am now 7st5lbs down in total from my highest recorded weight but its not really because I've been good. I've just been living day to day, eating when I'm hungry (mainly the wrong things) and have had a few binges. It's still the only way I know how to cope!
This month is my Birthday and Christmas but I just want it to be January. This is the first year ever that I'm dreading all the family stuff. I feel flat and unmotivated. I've been avoiding talking to mum because I know she's angry with me about the OH and I not getting on. Roll on January.
Friday 7 December 2012
Monday 5 November 2012
Blues
One day I would probably consider surgery, but then it would only be for vanity and I just don't know if I could do that. Plus I would need to wait until after I've had children and then I'm sure the risk of surgery would be an even bigger issue.
This week has been a weird one, I've had serious post holiday blues made worse by meeting up with the ex. Myself and the bf met up with the ex and his fiance which was lovely, but it got me in full blown reflective mode, which is never good for me and really made me think of all the things I miss. Not necessarily about him per se, but about my old life. Also, problems in my current relationship have mirrored the reasons why myself and the ex broke up. Now I'm in a different place and so we've been able to identify the problem and try to sort it. I was an emotional retard a couple of years ago and it seems maybe if I'd been able to express how I was feeling back then he wouldn't have needed to end it or we could have at least worked at it.
But still, I'm a true believer in everything happening for a reason. The bf and I are a great match, the ex is getting married next year and making mistakes is how we learn isn't it? After some thinking this week I've realised how lonely I am, without work I have little to no social contact, so developing a social life is my next mission.
Thursday 11 October 2012
Monday 24 September 2012
Holiday
I was sure I had done a post in August but it doesn't seem to be showing. I am all moved in with Anthony now, into a 2 double bedroomed house with a driveway and garden! I feel like a grown up. The location is good, I can hear sheep and cows in the field on my way to the bus stop and on a morning lounging in bed you can normally hear dog walkers shouting after their pets or kids playing football. Its not where I'd really want to be very long-term but nevermind. I want to be somewhere quirkier with cool bars and coffee shops where the charity shops are full of good stuff. One day! Its cheap enough to save a decent amount so hopefully in a few years we'll be able to buy!
In weight loss news I've been messing about a bit. I've lost 4lbs this week, but this takes me to the weight I was a few weeks ago. Anyone who thinks losing weight is easy has no understanding of the psychological issue that weight really is. I panicked when I got to 12st 9lbs as it meant I'd lost just over 7st and was well on the way to my goal weight (2st4lbs to go). I think in some ways I'm scared of being slim and feel I don't deserve it. I'm also really scared of more loose skin. So the aim for this week is to tonetonetone! I have 28 days exactly until my holiday to Turkey - we booked on Saturday. I went to Turkey with Mike, my ex 3 years ago and am determined to look nothing like how I did then. In fact, we're now getting a bit worried that I don't look like my passport picture!
Above is a picture of what I won't look like in my next lot of holiday pics. I do miss those boobs though. You can't have it all!
Above is a picture of what I won't look like in my next lot of holiday pics. I do miss those boobs though. You can't have it all!
Tuesday 17 July 2012
Not all plain sailing
Christ on a bike it's been a pretty up and down couple of months since my last post. I have been stressed to the absolute max with work. They've merged the services from 5 into 3 and made the services 'ageless' which basically means they've thrown 3 teams together without any kind of plan and expected us all to just get on with it. It's been an absolute nightmare and I've shed a lot of tears. I swear its taken years off my life already and its not getting any better.
Whilst work is awful home has been crap too. I've moved out of my flat meaning putting all my lovely things in storage and whilst waiting to move have been living in Anthony's one bed flat. I absolutely hate it, its a square box with no personality and nowhere to go. Sat in the bedroom you can hear exactly what's on TV, there's washing everywhere and nothing has a place. It's been a complete strain and the whole situation has brought me right down. I miss feeling like I belong somewhere.
In weight-loss news I am now overweight, I have faffed around a bit but finally reached 'overweight' a few weeks ago. An emotional moment! I am now just a couple of stone away from being 'normal' but I am terrified. Because of being so obese my skin had to stretch and now I've slimmed right down I am getting a bit of loose skin. Running made the weight fall off me and I was going to continue with the running but have decided I need to concentrate on toning. I feel a bit cheated to be honest and have been quite emotional these last couple of weeks its obviously a combination of things but I can't help feeling pissed off. I decided to lose weight at 24 so that I could really enjoy my 20s, I wanted to do it while I was still young so that my body would have the best chance to adjust and cope with the change. I've done it slowly and sensibly with exercise along the way. Now I'm in a bit of a pickle....do I continue with weight loss? Or do I just try to maintain and tone for now? Eugh, when I was big I used to be self-conscious, now I'm just as bad if not worse, just about different things. When I was big I did care what I looked like but at the same time I felt it didn't matter so much as I was obviously massive and there was no hiding it. Now I feel like I'm neither big nor slim, I don't know what clothes to wear or even what to do with my hair. I have a body I don't quite like but don't really recognise, it all feels a bit alien. I need Gok!
Whilst work is awful home has been crap too. I've moved out of my flat meaning putting all my lovely things in storage and whilst waiting to move have been living in Anthony's one bed flat. I absolutely hate it, its a square box with no personality and nowhere to go. Sat in the bedroom you can hear exactly what's on TV, there's washing everywhere and nothing has a place. It's been a complete strain and the whole situation has brought me right down. I miss feeling like I belong somewhere.
In weight-loss news I am now overweight, I have faffed around a bit but finally reached 'overweight' a few weeks ago. An emotional moment! I am now just a couple of stone away from being 'normal' but I am terrified. Because of being so obese my skin had to stretch and now I've slimmed right down I am getting a bit of loose skin. Running made the weight fall off me and I was going to continue with the running but have decided I need to concentrate on toning. I feel a bit cheated to be honest and have been quite emotional these last couple of weeks its obviously a combination of things but I can't help feeling pissed off. I decided to lose weight at 24 so that I could really enjoy my 20s, I wanted to do it while I was still young so that my body would have the best chance to adjust and cope with the change. I've done it slowly and sensibly with exercise along the way. Now I'm in a bit of a pickle....do I continue with weight loss? Or do I just try to maintain and tone for now? Eugh, when I was big I used to be self-conscious, now I'm just as bad if not worse, just about different things. When I was big I did care what I looked like but at the same time I felt it didn't matter so much as I was obviously massive and there was no hiding it. Now I feel like I'm neither big nor slim, I don't know what clothes to wear or even what to do with my hair. I have a body I don't quite like but don't really recognise, it all feels a bit alien. I need Gok!
Tuesday 1 May 2012
Nearly Overweight!
Only people who have been properly obese/morbidly obese can understand the significance of this. I have lost 2st since 2nd Jan 2012 - when I re-signed up for weight watchers and overall since March 2010 I have now lost 6st 5lbs. I still can't believe it and it really doesn't seem real. I've just done an online BMI calculator and found I need to lose 4lbs more to be overweight rather than obese. Although I believe BMI is a daft calculation with little medical significance its still the measurement that is widely accepted by medics and by weightwatchers. My BMI has gone from 45 to 30.5. Happy Days.
I've been struggling recently with binge eating, as I always do but have got it much more under control. Everything seems so out of control at the moment in my life its really effecting me. I hate living at the boyfriend's flat but staying at mine isn't practical. We want to move but we can't afford it, and also when we can we're not going to be moving to an area which I want to live in. Booo! Also, I have no idea what is happening with my job and where I'm going to be working. People are being told they have to interview for their own jobs all around me yet I haven't heard anything yet. Anxious times and its really getting to me.
At least weight and exercise is something I can control :)
Oh oh, and last month I had a significant moment. I went on a night out and didn't feel like 'the fat one' I was obviously bigger than my 2 friends, but not massive in comparison as I'm used to.
I've been struggling recently with binge eating, as I always do but have got it much more under control. Everything seems so out of control at the moment in my life its really effecting me. I hate living at the boyfriend's flat but staying at mine isn't practical. We want to move but we can't afford it, and also when we can we're not going to be moving to an area which I want to live in. Booo! Also, I have no idea what is happening with my job and where I'm going to be working. People are being told they have to interview for their own jobs all around me yet I haven't heard anything yet. Anxious times and its really getting to me.
At least weight and exercise is something I can control :)
Oh oh, and last month I had a significant moment. I went on a night out and didn't feel like 'the fat one' I was obviously bigger than my 2 friends, but not massive in comparison as I'm used to.
Daft toilet posing aside, I look normal sized!
Tuesday 6 March 2012
Then and Now
The pic on the left is me at uni, wearing a top I loved! I cropped my friend out of the picture but I literally look 3 times the size of her! The pic on the right is me last November wearing a size 16 dress. I'm lighter now than I was then. Yay!
Thursday 1 March 2012
Anniversary
Oooh Oooh! I just realised, today is (to the day!) my 2nd year anniversary of joining weightwatchers. I am now 14st 2.5lbs. 2 Years ago I weighed nearly 20st. All together I have lost 5st 7.5lbs and although I've still a few stone to go I'm so proud of myself. I do feel embarrassed for boasting but I can't help it. Someone get me a chufty-badge!
Realisations
Weigh-in on Monday showed a 4lb loss. Finally! So the exercise was worth it. What's even better is that I FEEL slimmer and healthier. I'm starting to feel almost normal wheras I used to feel like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I remember having to be super careful walking through crowds in pubs/clubs in case I knocked some poor skinny flying. I also remember the name calling, the 'fat bitch' as I walked past groups of people in clubs when I was at uni, the 'get out the way you fat cow' when a white van man went through a red light causing him to nearly squash me.
I'm so glad that I'm sorting myself out whilst I'm still young however I can't help having some regrets. Particularly about my time at college and uni. I got called a lot of names while I was at uni. In the street randomly and more often, on nights out. I always knew that (rationally thinking) the name callers were the ones with the biggest problem but it didn't stop me disappearing from my friends regularly and going to have cries in the toilets, just thinking back to that time makes me so sad. I was so big, so unconfident and so uncomfortable in myself.
I've been thinking a lot about why I am big and why I see food the way I do. From a very young age I stole food. I remember eating a block of cooking chocolate under mum and dad's bed when I was really little. I remember stealing mints from a jar in my Grandma's kitchen and eating a big chocolate bar in secret sat on the floor in Grandma's house. I got away with it for a long time without anyone noticing however I do remember getting a smack when mum found out I'd taken a feast ice-lolly from the freezer and I remember stealing a chocolate biscuit and mum noticing. She was angry for a whole day and I remember feeling so anxious about it all day at school. Thinking back I think mum always reacted so strongly to me doing this as she saw her habits coming out in me. She used to play lots of games on the PC and I'd walk through the room and catch her eating, we'd never acknowledge it and I don't know if she thought I just hadn't noticed or whether she just didn't want to talk about it. It used to really upset me that she'd do this because she was always quite overweight and I used to be really scared for her health.
I'm a binge eater and an emotional eater, it really feels like an addiction sometimes but I believe all addictions can be overcome if the will is there. For me the will is there now. I want to be happy and healthy. I want to have children (not yet!) and don't want to put lots of weight on when pregnant. I want to be a slim healthy mum and a wife to be proud of (yes I know I'm not married/engaged!) ha. I want to be a good role model to my children and not continue to pass on the very unhelpful coping skill me and my mum seem to rely on.
I'll get there, it'll be worth it. I don't want any more regrets!
I'm so glad that I'm sorting myself out whilst I'm still young however I can't help having some regrets. Particularly about my time at college and uni. I got called a lot of names while I was at uni. In the street randomly and more often, on nights out. I always knew that (rationally thinking) the name callers were the ones with the biggest problem but it didn't stop me disappearing from my friends regularly and going to have cries in the toilets, just thinking back to that time makes me so sad. I was so big, so unconfident and so uncomfortable in myself.
I've been thinking a lot about why I am big and why I see food the way I do. From a very young age I stole food. I remember eating a block of cooking chocolate under mum and dad's bed when I was really little. I remember stealing mints from a jar in my Grandma's kitchen and eating a big chocolate bar in secret sat on the floor in Grandma's house. I got away with it for a long time without anyone noticing however I do remember getting a smack when mum found out I'd taken a feast ice-lolly from the freezer and I remember stealing a chocolate biscuit and mum noticing. She was angry for a whole day and I remember feeling so anxious about it all day at school. Thinking back I think mum always reacted so strongly to me doing this as she saw her habits coming out in me. She used to play lots of games on the PC and I'd walk through the room and catch her eating, we'd never acknowledge it and I don't know if she thought I just hadn't noticed or whether she just didn't want to talk about it. It used to really upset me that she'd do this because she was always quite overweight and I used to be really scared for her health.
I'm a binge eater and an emotional eater, it really feels like an addiction sometimes but I believe all addictions can be overcome if the will is there. For me the will is there now. I want to be happy and healthy. I want to have children (not yet!) and don't want to put lots of weight on when pregnant. I want to be a slim healthy mum and a wife to be proud of (yes I know I'm not married/engaged!) ha. I want to be a good role model to my children and not continue to pass on the very unhelpful coping skill me and my mum seem to rely on.
I'll get there, it'll be worth it. I don't want any more regrets!
Thursday 23 February 2012
So I'm in my 8th week of being on plan and so far I've lost 12.5lbs, a bit disappointed as would have hoped to have lost more by now but hey ho. I've stayed the same for two weeks in a row and am hoping this is the week it will start to shift again.
Two weeks ago I got back to exercising. I weigh about the same now that I did late last year when I was really hammering the exercise but oh my lord, its amazing how much my stamina and fitness levels had slipped. I'm hoping the stay the same results have been because of the exercise and toning as a result. I feel slimmer and people are commenting that I look 'trim' so I'm sure it will appear on the scales soon enough :)
Overall now I've lost 5st 3.5lbs since March 1st 2010. They say slow and steady wins the race and I'm confident thats true. With about 4st still to lost I feel in a way that I'm on the home stretch however I do tend to have real wobbles where I get really scared and I think that might be because I don't know what I'm aiming for. My official WW goal weight is 10st 5lbs but I can't see myself being that slim. I probably weighed that much when I was 10.
I've had some blips where I've maintained for a while, or gained but am determined to continue. I feel like I might self-sabotage because I'm scared. Most people have been slim and so know what they're aiming for. They have an 'ideal me' picture they can look at for motivation. Being slim is really scary to me because I've never been there.
BMI doesn't mean a lot to me and so in reality I'm aiming for 12st, I feel at that weight I'd still be squishy, curvy and womanly but would just be a lot more healthy. So I suppose that means I actually have only 2st 6.5lbs to lost. Bring it on!
Two weeks ago I got back to exercising. I weigh about the same now that I did late last year when I was really hammering the exercise but oh my lord, its amazing how much my stamina and fitness levels had slipped. I'm hoping the stay the same results have been because of the exercise and toning as a result. I feel slimmer and people are commenting that I look 'trim' so I'm sure it will appear on the scales soon enough :)
Overall now I've lost 5st 3.5lbs since March 1st 2010. They say slow and steady wins the race and I'm confident thats true. With about 4st still to lost I feel in a way that I'm on the home stretch however I do tend to have real wobbles where I get really scared and I think that might be because I don't know what I'm aiming for. My official WW goal weight is 10st 5lbs but I can't see myself being that slim. I probably weighed that much when I was 10.
I've had some blips where I've maintained for a while, or gained but am determined to continue. I feel like I might self-sabotage because I'm scared. Most people have been slim and so know what they're aiming for. They have an 'ideal me' picture they can look at for motivation. Being slim is really scary to me because I've never been there.
BMI doesn't mean a lot to me and so in reality I'm aiming for 12st, I feel at that weight I'd still be squishy, curvy and womanly but would just be a lot more healthy. So I suppose that means I actually have only 2st 6.5lbs to lost. Bring it on!
Sunday 1 January 2012
Bad Blogger
I've been such a bad blogger, no post for well over a year! What a year its been! I did meet my goal of being a 14-16 however I've spent a few weeks on the see-food diet and now as a result my size 16 jeans don't fit anymore.
Predictably I'm thinking new year, new start and have signed up for a monthly pass having not been to a meeting for about 18 months. I need a kick up the proverbial, and if that means shelling out 20squid a month so be it!
Its been a strange old year, my little brother got married and I was a bridesmaid. Amazing! Also my best friend got married which was beautiful. I seem to have reached that age where people start really becoming grown-ups. I turned 26 a couple of weeks ago and still haven't quite come to terms with it.
I spent most of 2011 in a pretty awful relationship. Looking back I wonder why but I'm quite philosophical and hold no grudges. He was pretty damaged and that led to a not very happy time for us both. I tried my best, ended up getting sucked into this weird, emotionally draining situation where I got lashed out at quite a lot. It was an experience not to be repeated, and one I'll never forget. Its weird how when you're in a bad situation you do what you can to struggle by, making excuses for things. Its only when it ended and I really talked to people about the ins and outs that I thought 'what the hell were you doing!?'
2012 is looking set to be a good one, however there are some question-marks over my job which is a worry. I'm in a new relationship now though and its all good. No messiness, no aggressiveness and now at the grand old age of 26 I feel I'm in a grown-up thing, its not even scary!
So I have a few new-years resolutions...
Learn to drive
Get stuck back into weightwatchers and ideally reach goal by Christmas
Read more (I got a Kindle for my Birthday)
Pay off my credit card
Get back into my crafty things
Blog blog blog
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