Weigh-in on Monday showed a 4lb loss. Finally! So the exercise was worth it. What's even better is that I FEEL slimmer and healthier. I'm starting to feel almost normal wheras I used to feel like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I remember having to be super careful walking through crowds in pubs/clubs in case I knocked some poor skinny flying. I also remember the name calling, the 'fat bitch' as I walked past groups of people in clubs when I was at uni, the 'get out the way you fat cow' when a white van man went through a red light causing him to nearly squash me.
I'm so glad that I'm sorting myself out whilst I'm still young however I can't help having some regrets. Particularly about my time at college and uni. I got called a lot of names while I was at uni. In the street randomly and more often, on nights out. I always knew that (rationally thinking) the name callers were the ones with the biggest problem but it didn't stop me disappearing from my friends regularly and going to have cries in the toilets, just thinking back to that time makes me so sad. I was so big, so unconfident and so uncomfortable in myself.
I've been thinking a lot about why I am big and why I see food the way I do. From a very young age I stole food. I remember eating a block of cooking chocolate under mum and dad's bed when I was really little. I remember stealing mints from a jar in my Grandma's kitchen and eating a big chocolate bar in secret sat on the floor in Grandma's house. I got away with it for a long time without anyone noticing however I do remember getting a smack when mum found out I'd taken a feast ice-lolly from the freezer and I remember stealing a chocolate biscuit and mum noticing. She was angry for a whole day and I remember feeling so anxious about it all day at school. Thinking back I think mum always reacted so strongly to me doing this as she saw her habits coming out in me. She used to play lots of games on the PC and I'd walk through the room and catch her eating, we'd never acknowledge it and I don't know if she thought I just hadn't noticed or whether she just didn't want to talk about it. It used to really upset me that she'd do this because she was always quite overweight and I used to be really scared for her health.
I'm a binge eater and an emotional eater, it really feels like an addiction sometimes but I believe all addictions can be overcome if the will is there. For me the will is there now. I want to be happy and healthy. I want to have children (not yet!) and don't want to put lots of weight on when pregnant. I want to be a slim healthy mum and a wife to be proud of (yes I know I'm not married/engaged!) ha. I want to be a good role model to my children and not continue to pass on the very unhelpful coping skill me and my mum seem to rely on.
I'll get there, it'll be worth it. I don't want any more regrets!